Sick :(

Vitamin E oil is sticky. Just thought I would share. That and I get nauseous when I rub it on my scar. You’re welcome. I can also feel the plate while I rub. That makes me more nauseous and then I get flooded with upset that I am deformed.

I think too much. Let my mind wander too much. Get nauseous too easily.

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Don’t Say I Never Told Ya’

I don’t like admitting things about myself to myself. I go with the thought process that some things are better left unsaid. Which is true, because when certain things are realized too much has to be said to fix it. unfortunately, all of this time off from work has driven me insane and cause much too much thinking. If I had a job where I got to sit all day, I could have gone back after two weeks… no such luck.

So with what promises to be my final non weight bearing doctors appointment 48 hours away, I am having a total emotional shut down. Typically, I avoid doing things I don’t like and drop out of things that are too hard for me or find some way around the hard work to get the desired result. Story of my life, I have found short cuts for school, work, life and have been doing brilliantly. As I just realized there is no short cut for this I have totally shut down. There is no short cut, it is too hard and I don’t want to do it. Triple threat. Big, looming, triple threat.

Why is the human body so stupid. It can get injured but it needs the help of a third party to get itself back into gear. It isn’t broken anymore so why can’t I just get up and frolic? So not in the mood for physical therapy. I have no inspiration, no goals, I just want to lay here until medical science comes up with a better human body. Like the movie ‘Surrogates’… you can’t get hurt if you are controlling things from bed with your mind all day. I know what happened in the movie, the real people eventually got hurt but no one broke anything. And if they had, it wouldn’t have mattered anyway, their Surrogates were doing the living for them. Real life should work on catching up to science fiction faster.

A Little Tutorial

How to pick up a dropped object or dropped crutch without falling over:

After falling once or twice trying to pick up a dropped object I have devised a full proof method not to fall over while picking up objects. One, drop object. Two, lean crutches against the wall. Three, lean self against the wall and slowly slide down the wall until you are sitting firmly on the ground. Sitting is safe, you can’t fall while sitting. At least, I don’t fall while sitting. If you fall while sitting, we will devise a personal plan for you. Four, scoot to your object, then scoot with the object on your lap and reach up and place object on a table. Five, prop yourself up on your good foot and use the chair and table as leverage. Six, hop to or have someone hand your your crutches.

Fantastic, no falling.

No, I’m Fine, Thanks.

Physical therapy is a pain in the ass. When it ends, I feel inadequate when I am supposed to feel like I am making progress. And it hurts. I sound annoying but to be frank, the whole system is odd. Body breaks, body heals, body cannot get back up to snuff without help from a professional. Conspiracy. More on consiracy theories later.

Cheap Magazines

I’ve had Lil’ Wayne’s How to Love on repeat for what seems like days. I don’t usually like his raps but there is something about this song that calms me down and makes me smile. I can barely understand what he is singing but refuse to look up the lyrics in the event that they will take away from the calm that comes from the music.

In other news, I buy magazines like it is my job. They are very entertaining especially the likes of Fashion Magazines with their how to guides and their land a dream man features and make up tutorials. Although I don’t wear it now I am beginning to wonder if my life would somehow improve it I started to wear make up. Then I started watching make up tutorials online. I might not be a real woman, I had no idea how much went into it. Foundation, concealer, primer, blush, bronzer… and that is just the skin, don’t get me started on the lips or the eyes or the magic of contouring. 

Dear Michelle Phan – While your tutorials are helpful – if I could hold a make up brush – and your make up is impeccable and you seem really sweet and elegant you make me feel like less of a woman. I envy you. – Me

I am far off the point. Point is while getting my magazines and crutching to the check out. (Too proud to have Mom come in the store with me because I still can’t drive). So, as I am crutching a man starts walking being me and saying ‘ouch’ every time I land. Our conversation was as follows :

‘Can I help you?” “What did you do to your leg, young lady?” “Broke my ankle.” “Looks mighty painful.” “No, it isn’t. It has been a while.” “You should be using a motorized cart.” “I want to save them for people who really need them.” “You are in need.”

He then proceeds to stand behind me at the checkout without items complaining how modern women are too proud to ask for help and how he would help them if given the change…all of them.  He then offered to drive me to my car. I read that as, having his way with me. No thank you. So to all of the well meaning, please understand that sometimes your well wishes come off as creepy. ie if I don’t know you, please squash your curiosity and do not ask about my condition because it isn’t a condition at all. It is a broken ankle and when I get the ok to walk without the space boot again, I will kick all of your asses.

Truth is…

Truth is, I only feel empowered when someone else is watching.

Truth is, I still am not strong enough to see this through and while I have no desire to die; it feels like I already have.

Truth is, I am not usually this dramatic.

Truth is, I never realized how boring my life was until I couldn’t go to work. I miss wearing heels and pretending I rule the world.