Focus on the Arbitrary

I am petrified, absolutely petrified of gaining weight during this process. I find myself thinking I will balloon 5 pounds a week until the end of the summer making this whole process a 60 pound gain before I am allowed to go back to work.  I can’t handle the brain monster I have created. This notion, more than the pain, more than the pinching stitches consumes my thoughts. 

I have started flailing around on my back in 15 minute intervals four times a day to mimic my before the break work outs. I crutch around without destination until my hands hurt and it still doesn’t feel like enough. I just feel obese because I can’t leave the house and I can’t put my pants on to see if they still fit. Damn cast. Damn immobile foot. 

This, my friends is where the misery comes in. I keep trying to sit up to stare at myself in the mirror. I talk about it to the point where my family and friends just stare at me like what I am thinking is impossible.  It is not impossible. I can’t balance to use a scale. We don’t even own a scale. 

If I do gain weight I will cry. Tears and tears of selfworthlessness. They are coming, I feel them. Back to flailing.

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