Have you ever tried bargaining with an orthopedist? Don’t. I tried. Our conversation went something like this:
“Maybe, I will be a fast healer and I can try walking again after two or three weeks?”
“Six weeks, no weight, minimum.”
“But what if…”
“Six weeks means six weeks.”
The bargaining will continue. I feel delusional but in being delusional it stops me from feeling helpless. I can crutch to save my life, I think I have almost fallen every time I go to use my crutches. Researching knee scooters, they look badass but with my balance they might be just as difficult as the crutches.
“Anything I can do to make the healing go faster?”
“What if I…”
“Just stay off it, no bargaining chips. No sexual favors.”
Ok, the good doctor never said the bit about sexual favors but, I added it because I would literally prostitute myself for a month if he even suggested that the semen of strangers could heal wounds. And no, I am not kidding. Delusional, yes, kidding no.
Surgery was less than a week ago and we have moved from a plaster cast to an air cast. A giant bulky Neil Armstrong style moon boot with padding and years of velcro. Feels more like a 5 pound torture device than something that will help me heel. I miss the plaster cast, at least in garnered more sympathy. People are already staring at moon boot wearing, cyborg me. Crutches people geeez…. it isn’t like I dyed myself blue, though if the bruising continues to spread at least part of my body will be a lovely shade of purple.